


Tolerate It

by Anonymous



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Affairs, Angst, Infidelity, M/M, NHEV, No Happy Ending Fest, Song: tolerate it (Taylor Swift)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 19:34:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29938326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: He takes what he could take and lets go of what is not meant for him.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol
Comments: 4
Kudos: 16
Collections: No Happy Ending Fest - 2020





	Tolerate It

**Author's Note:**

> **Prompt #:** Self-Prompt  
>  **Prompt:** Baekhyun isn't supposed to love Chanyeol.  
>  **Pairing/Main Character(s):** Byun Baekhyun / Park Chanyeol  
>  **Word Count:** 2.9K  
>  **Warning(s)/Additional Tag(s):** Angst, Affairs  
>  **Author's note:** Loosely based on Taylor Swift's 'Tolerate It'  
> 

  
  


Loving Park Chanyeol is like greeting the sunlight in the morning.

Baekhyun could feel the rush of giddiness pumping through every inch of his veins, his chest beating in a different rhythm, as he hops down the stairs, footsteps echoing throughout the spacious mansion-like house. Time runs strangely when he’s on his way to the living room. He doesn’t even bother properly replying the greetings the maids offered him; they’d probably be peeking at him with judgment oozing from his eyes again today, and he’d surely not give a penny of his thoughts for them.

He finds Chanyeol sitting on one of the long couches, standing out like the grandest building in town in the middle of the regal-themed furniture.

Loving this man is like greeting the sunlight the first thing in the morning, letting the warmth seep through his skin as he basks in the fresh air. It’s sorcery, how seeing Chanyeol every day still doesn’t make the awe and excitement wash away. It’s as if meeting Chanyeol is the only purpose of his life and he holds onto it dearly.

He saunters across the floor silently until he reaches the couch that faces the one Chanyeol is on. He sits quietly and, without actual hope of being noticed, watches the man reading the newspaper with his head low.

There’s magic in the way the sunlight shines on Chanyeol’s skin and makes it glow in gold. In the way Chanyeol’s dark brown locks turn into honey glaze under it. In the way the slight frown between Chanyeol’s eyebrows whenever he’s focused on something makes him look ten times more ethereal. In the way Chanyeol just sits there and still manages to wreck his world.

And in the way everything seems more vibrant in the corner of his sight when Chanyeol looks up at him, finally noticing his presence, and gives him a small smile as an acknowledgement.

“Morning,” is what he gets, in a deep, husky, warm voice.

And he feels like he just won something priceless.

“Good morning.” There’s a slight awkwardness in his tone, caused by his attempt to make himself sound not too excited. He doesn’t want to scare Chanyeol away, not when he can’t even get a grip on him properly.

He can’t keep in his hands what is not meant to be kept by him.

And yet, just like how a grateful person should be, he basks in the morning sunlight, being thankful that he could feel its warmth. He thanks the skies for the existence of Park Chanyeol, even though he knows he’s not the one with the right to be thankful for it.

Because he belongs to Chanyeol, but Chanyeol doesn’t belong to him. And he can’t freely touch what isn’t his whenever he wants to.

So he just sits and watches him.

=====

Being in love with your brother in law is already a treacherous thing.

Being made love to by your brother in law is just a pure tragedy waiting to explode.

But who was he to force his eyes to see everything the right way? He’s just Byun Baekhyun, just a twenty two years old lad who was in love with someone eight years older than he is - who just happened to be his sister’s childhood friend and now husband. Amorality happens in every nook and cranny of everyone’s house, masked as a mere involuntary fault of humanity. ‘ _ Everybody does it _ ’ is the justification. ‘ _ I can’t choose who I love _ ’ is the lame excuse.

Baekhyun doesn’t try to rationalize the illicit affair going on between them.

Although he sometimes wonders if it’s all worth it.

Even now he’s wondering about it all, sitting on the bed next to the fast asleep Chanyeol and watching the older man breathe steadily, eyes closed, lashes fluttering occasionally. There’s something in the way the moonlight shines on the exposed skin of Chanyeol’s chest that sets a little flame inside him and makes him a little bit melancholic at the same time.

This is one of the only times he could be with Chanyeol this way; every Friday night after a long week, when Chanyeol would take him driving along the outskirts of the city and rest at a cabin in a property they owned near a huge lake. The weekly trip has become their routine for almost a decade - it started as boys’ day out which then turned into their secret night since last year. With a box of fishing tools and two backpacks filled with emergency clothes, they fooled everyone in the house.

This is one of the only times he could have and belong to Chanyeol.

Chanyeol’s breaths are calm during his sleep. The corner of Chanyeol’s left eye would do a very slight twitch occasionally. Sometimes he would unconsciously adjust his body on the mattress. Baekhyun notices them. He notices everything Chanyeol does and doesn’t do. Because he has spent almost a year watching Chanyeol, he has spent so many times watching Chanyeol to the point he already knows what Chanyeol would do and would raise an eyebrow at something Chanyeol isn’t supposed to.

He knows everything about Chanyeol except one; what the older man actually thinks about the thing between them.

“Not asleep yet?”

The hoarse deep voice pulls him out of his thoughts. Chanyeol is half awake by now, eyes almost bleary due to the sleepiness. He only gives the man a shy smile.

“C’mere,” Chanyeol mumbled, long fingers already wrapping around his own thin wrist and tugging gently, “you’d catch cold.”

He gets spellbound just like that. He slides down back under the blanket and lets his own body be pulled by Chanyeol’s bigger one, sighing in content as Chanyeol’s hand starts to roam all over his back, lightly massaging him. He gasps a little against the column of Chanyeol’s neck when the man’s thumb traces down his spine, subtly yet dangerously intruding the crack of his bottom, until the hand spreads and cups one cheek perfectly. He only chuckles shyly once he finds a lazy grin on Chanyeol’s lips.

Not being able to contain the feelings inside his chest, he shifts closer and places a full kiss on Chanyeol’s mouth. He rejoices when Chanyeol deepens it while his hand down there starts working on his opening which is still warm from a couple of hours ago. He lets Chanyeol do whatever he wants to; it’s going to keep the both of them from yearning for each other too much for the next whole week.

He still doesn’t know whether Chanyeol actually loves him the way he loves the man. He always prevented saying those words of overused confession out loud and often not to burden Chanyeol and himself, and in return he didn't expect Chanyeol to say them to him. All he knows is that they agreed about wanting each other this way, bare skin against another, warm next to the other after reaching the peak of pleasure together. And all he knows is that what matters the most is having Chanyeol with him at least for one night each week.

“Chanyeol… Chanyeol, Chanyeol -”

But it doesn’t mean he stopped wondering. He still does, every now and then if not often. He wonders. Chanyeol is so much older and wiser than him, thus he wonders about the way the man sees everything about this. Does Chanyeol see him as his star crossed lover? Or does the man see him as his guilty pleasure? Is he a tragic poem or a dry joke?

He doesn’t really want to know, but he still wonders.

=====

When he was eleven, he met his role model.

Having grown up without a brother, he always envied his peers who would tell him stories of the fun they had with their brothers during the weekend and the fights they had every other morning. He wanted it all. He wanted a brother so bad.

The one day, his sister brought home a male friend from college with wide round eyes and dazzling smile.

And at the end of that day, what he had told his parents was, ‘ _ I want to be like Chanyeol when I grow up! _ ’

Chanyeol was the embodiment of a perfect son to his family. Good build, good health, sharp and creative mind, charming manners, all of the golds and glitters seemed to have been spent on Park Chanyeol when God had created him.

Over the years, his family and Chanyeol’s grew closer and closer as their children became each other’s very close friends. Chanyeol had a pair of younger twin sisters around Baekhyun’s age, and naturally Baekhyun himself befriended the beautiful and lovely girls. As for Chanyeol and Baekhyun, they bonded over wanting brothers, and at some point almost a decade ago, they made a pact to do things that brothers do every weekend. Just like that, the two families became important people in each other’s lives.

Baekhyun remembers loving that very much. He remembers the years of waiting by the door for Chanyeol either every Friday night or Saturday morning with the everlasting giddiness of a kid. He remembers getting so excited for sleepovers and siblings’ outing.

Until he realized that his infatuation for Chanyeol grew into something else. Something that he deemed strange and wrong at first, because it was nor normal, because that was not how he was taught by everyone around him about who to love and lust for.

And he was nineteen when he finally accepted that he loved Chanyeol. In the way that made him dream of the man almost every night, sometimes in a sweet way, sometimes in a way that made him feel so sick of himself.

That was not the right way to experience his first love and learn about sexual desires. That was not the right way, but he didn’t know that back then. All he knew was that he loved Chanyeol, it felt wrong to long and yearn for Chanyeol but he did anyway, it felt wrong to have a heat pool in his stomach when he saw Chanyeol’s exposed chest that one Summer morning but  _ it happened anyway _ .

That was not the right way to fall in love with someone, especially when that person had been engaged to your sister just last Winter.

Then it was the eve of his twentieth birthday that Chanyeol kissed him.

‘ _ What do you wish for? _ ’ Chanyeol had asked, not knowing that drunk Baekhyun was not the wisest person in the world.

‘ _ I wish to kiss you, _ ’ Baekhyun had answered, not realizing the weight of his own words.

Thus, when it was Chanyeol who erased the gap between them and dived in for a small peck on his lips, he was so shocked to the point the alcohol left his system all at once. ‘ _ How about I kiss you instead? _ ’ Chanyeol said.

From that moment on, they sealed a deal of being each other’s dark secret.

=====

Loving Chanyeol is like pouring salt on an open wound.

It was too late by the time he realized that they were never a fairy tale; they’re a sickening, tragic, horrendous story of two people letting their selfish desires get the best of them. It was too late, and there was no way for Baekhyun to back up and leave. By the time he realized just how twisted everything has been, he was already too deep in love, too deep in his own dreams of having something actual with the man he loves.

So he keeps greeting Chanyeol with enthusiasm oozing from his pores like a battle hero’s welcome. He always greets Chanyeol like it’s the best thing in the world, like it’s the only thing he knows. As if Chanyeol is the only thing that matters in his life.

He keeps looking up to Chanyeol. Using the best colors in the world to paint a portrait of the man. Laying the dining table with the fanciest choices of everything on it every dinner. His dreams are not about becoming someone who has something - they’re about becoming someone who is around Chanyeol forever.

What does Chanyeol do about that? Nothing. The man says and does nothing about the festivals he holds for him. The man just goes along, nods along and smiles along during the whole week then moans along by Friday night. Park Chanyeol still lives his life as the Park Chanyeol who is a successful business man and a good husband to his wife.

And what does Baekhyun do about the man’s indiscretions? He takes it all in good fun.

Because loving this man is like acting in a movie that keeps screwing your character arc over and over. He just sits, and listens, and polishes the ceramic plates until they gleam and glisten. He lets himself be reduced into a good dog who is always happy with whatever its human does.

He takes what he could take and lets go of what is not meant for him.

What is not meant for him is Chanyeol’s heart and conscience, and what he could take is Chanyeol’s feverish touches and discreet smiles.

He has no right to judge Chanyeol, because he himself is much worse.

So he just sits and watches him.

=====

It’s all in his head.

He knows that very well. He’s not an idiot. Chanyeol doesn’t love him. All Chanyeol does is use him to live his wildest fantasies and tolerate his feelings.

He knows that very well, and yet he still wants to hear it from Chanyeol’s mouth.

“Why are you doing this?”

“... doing what?”

“This. All of this.”

Because it’s tiring. He knows everything about this is what he deserves for loving someone out of his league, out of his reach, but that doesn’t mean he’s fine with it. It’s tiring, severely exhausting, mentally draining, emotionally consuming. It crushes him inside out, making him feel so filthy, making him feel so unworthy of the real good things in this world.

He wants Chanyeol to tell him if it’s all really just in his head. That he’s got it wrong somehow.

“I don’t understand,” Chanyeol murmurs against his chest before lapping his tongue on one of the mounds.

“Should I use -” he almost chokes on his own moan, “- should I rephrase it?”

Chanyeol’s hands are now on his hips.

“Why do you fuck me every Friday night if you don’t even have feelings for me?”

His fury then infects Chanyeol, who leans back to take a look at him properly.

“Where did those words come from?”

“I’ve been thinking.”

“Don’t think.”

“I have a brain for a reason.”

“ _ Baekhyun _ .”

“I love you.” He finally said it like a pathetic loser that he is. “You know that very well. I love you. I’ve loved you for years. And I know you don’t like the idea. I know you don’t like how I have feelings for you, Chanyeol. It shows. It  _ always _ shows. Then why? Why are we still here anyway? Why are we still fucking if my love repels you?”

He made Chanyeol his temple, his mural, his sky. Only for Chanyeol to make him ask things like this out of exhaustion and desperation. Just how much lower could he go?

And Chanyeol has the audacity to look guilty, to look worried. He can’t stand that patronizing look. “I never said that. I never said your feelings repel me.”

“Oh  _ God _ .” Baekhyun grumbles out of frustration. “I’d rather have you disgusted by me than do nothing about them. About me. I’d rather have you beat me than just make me your whore by the weekend.”

“Byun Baekhyun -”

“I hate you.” His eyes are burning. Tears are surely going to fall. But he can’t let them fall; he can’t embarrass himself more than this. “I fucking hate you, Park Chanyeol.” His hand roams south until he finds Chanyeol’s member and wraps his fingers around its girth. “I wish I never fell in love with you.”

“Stop it,” Chanyeol grunts, but does nothing anyway. The man always does nothing.

“What are you waiting for? You never stopped before. Come on. Use me again and then act like I’m just a pretty flower vase in the house tomorrow.”

Chanyeol silences him with a rough kiss. He deserves it. He deserves having his lips ruined after spewing nonsense.

Chanyeol enters deep without preparing him, and he tells the man to start moving despite the pain. He deserves it. He deserves being in pain after being so ungrateful.

Chanyeol slams and pulls and slams as rough as he could, almost tearing him apart, probably to make the both of them forget the silly talk he had started earlier. He deserves it. He deserves the treatment.

“What if I love you?” Chanyeol manages to ask in between his thrusts. “What if I love you too?”

Oh, how promising that sounds. Chanyeol, loving him back all this time? Sounds like a true fairy tale indeed.

But then, what’s the point? What good would Chanyeol’s love do for the both of them when all it does is ruin and ruin and ruin everything? What’s the point of being loved by the one you love if you can’t love them without feeling like you’re the most horrible person in the world?

“If it’s what love is,” he forces to speak, “then I don’t want it.”

He doesn’t want to hope, he doesn’t want to destroy. Maybe he should just break free and leave the both of them in ruins. He could do it. He could do it.

Because he knows his love is supposed to be celebrated instead of tolerated. He knows his love is supposed to be a gift instead of something complimentary.

He knows that very well.

Then why is he still here?

=====

Loving Chanyeol is… loving Chanyeol.

Loving Chanyeol is something he should’ve never tried to explain.

All that he should do is just take what he could take.

So he just sits and watches him.

  
  


* * *

**Author's Note:**

> Hahaha.


End file.
